Reclaiming You, Part 4: The Mental Load - The Weight No One Sees

Somewhere along the way, we were taught to be helpful. To hold everything together. To smile while we do it. And if we ever dared to want more—more rest, more space, more truth, more time for ourselves—we were told we were selfish, dramatic, or ungrateful.

This blog series was born from that quiet ache so many women carry—the feeling that something's off, even if they can’t name it. It’s for the women who check every box, show up for everyone, and still go to bed wondering, “Is this all there is?”

Last week, we talked about mom guilt—the invisible weight that makes us feel like we’re failing even when we’re doing our best. We explored where it comes from and how to start letting go of the unrealistic expectations that fuel it.

This week, we’re digging into another heavy layer many women carry without even realizing it: the mental load. The constant to-do lists running in our heads. The planning, remembering, anticipating, managing… even when no one else sees it. It's not just exhausting—it’s invisible labor that often goes unacknowledged.

Let’s name it. Let’s talk about it. And let’s find ways to share the load.

"Being a mother is not about slowly dying for your children, it's about showing them how to live bravely. It's not about becoming less, it's about becoming more." 

—Glennon Doyle, Untamed

Take time to rest your body and your mind.

What is the The Mental Load?

You wake up tired. You go to bed tired. But if someone asked what you did today, you might not have a “productive” answer.

Because much of what you carry doesn’t show up on a calendar or to-do list. You remembered the birthday. You refilled the allergy meds. You signed the field trip form, emailed the teacher, picked up the gift, and planned dinner around three picky eaters and a food allergy. You made it all look effortless. This is the mental load.

It’s not just doing things—it’s remembering things, tracking things, anticipating needs, smoothing over rough edges before anyone else notices. And more often than not, it falls on women. We carry it because we care. But caring doesn’t mean carrying everything alone.

Let’s Name a Few Parts of the Mental Load:

• Scheduling appointments (for everyone) - doctor, dentist, vet, therapy, hair cuts, etc.

• Keeping track of groceries, lunches, and what’s rotting in the fridge

• Knowing where the “good scissors” are at all times

• Managing birthdays, holidays, social events, RSVPs

• Mentally prepping for meltdowns, sleep regression, or homework struggles

• Constantly deciding what to make for dinner... again

• And there is so much more

You don’t need to do it all. You don’t need to hold it all in your head. And you are allowed to drop some of it.

Practical Ways to Lighten the Mental Load

Knowing about the mental load is step one. But changing it? That takes intention, conversation, and a little letting go. Here are some realistic, doable ways to start releasing what you're holding:

1. Make the Invisible Visible

Try a brain dump of everything swirling in your mind. Not just to-do's, but all the mental tabs open.

Try saying:"I’ve been carrying a lot mentally that doesn’t always show. I want us to look at it together so we can figure out a better way to share it."

Let your partner or family see the full picture—this opens the door to real collaboration.

2. Delegate with Ownership, Not Just Tasks

Instead of: “Can you help with lunches?”Try: “Can you be in charge of lunches this week? It doesn’t have to be my way—it just needs to happen.”

When someone fully owns a task, it stops living in your brain.

One way to reduce the ongoing mental energy is to minimize the number of decisions you have to make each day. Routines aren’t boring—they’re freeing. Creating a weekly or monthly meal plan you rotate through, a shared grocery list, or a chore chart that runs on a predictable rhythm can help take the guesswork out of daily life. When everyone knows what’s expected and when, there are fewer last-minute scrambles—and you don’t have to carry it all in your head. This kind of structure also helps family members take more ownership, since they can see what needs to be done and jump in without needing reminders.

3. Use “When/Then” Language with Kids

This cuts down reminders and builds independence.

Example:"When your bag is packed, then we’ll start our story time.""When your laundry is in the basket, then I’ll start the load."

Let natural consequences do some of the work for you.

4. Set Up a Shared System

Create a simple command center or weekly whiteboard that shows:

• Family schedule

• Dinner plans

• To-do’s

This gets the info out of your head and into a shared space. Bonus: fewer repeat questions from the kids.

5. If All Else Fails, Let Some Things Go—On Purpose

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the list is still too long. And in those moments, it's okay—necessary, even—to choose what can be skipped. Maybe it’s the laundry that waits another day or two. Maybe it’s ordering takeout or saying no to a volunteer request. Letting go of something doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re being intentional. And here’s a reminder from last week that bears repeating: You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present. 

Letting go also means resisting the urge to rescue others from natural consequences. If your child forgets their homework, it’s okay not to rush it to school. If your partner forgets to buy a gift for his mom, it’s okay to let him handle it. Yes, support is part of a loving family, and there are times we all step in for each other—but not so often that it becomes expected or taken for granted. This works best when expectations are clearly communicated ahead of time. You might say, “I’ll help you post it on the calendar so you remember,” or “I can remind you this week, but moving forward, I need you to take ownership of this.” It’s not about refusing to help—it’s about shifting the responsibility so you’re not the only one keeping track of everything.

6. Try a Shared App for Schedules & Tasks

If you're tech-comfortable, apps like Cozi, Todoist, or even shared Google Docs/Calendars can help shift the mental work to shared work.

Strategy 7: Make Space to Unload Your Mind

Sometimes the best way to lighten the load is to put it down for a minute. Even just five quiet minutes a day to rest your mind can make a difference. Try a short meditation, a few deep breaths in the car before heading inside, or a brain dump in your journal—no structure, just spill it out. Let your thoughts have somewhere to land besides your mental to-do list. It’s not selfish. It’s not wasted time. It’s how you recharge the part of you that keeps everything going.

Reflection Corner

Take some time this week to explore one or more of these questions. You can write your thoughts in a journal, discuss them with a close friend or reflect on them during meditation:

• What am I mentally holding today?

• Does this need to be mine?

• Can it be shared?

• Can it wait?

• Can it go?

• Can I simplify it, lessen it, or turn it into a routine?

Small shifts add up. You’re not failing—you’re just doing too much. And it’s okay to step back.

Coming Next Week: Boundaries that Stick (Even When It’s Hard)

You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to need space. Next week, we’ll talk about setting boundaries in a way that feels firm and kind.

If this topic resonated with you and you’re craving more support, encouragement, and connection with women who get it, you’re invited to:

• Join my Facebook group: Busy Women Finding Balance - A supportive space for women reclaiming time, energy, and joy

• Explore more free resources at www.growingheartsandminds.com

• Click here to email me to ask about my coaching services or request my free workbook: Beyond the To-Do List, a goal-setting guide to help you move forward with clarity and intention

You are not alone. You deserve to feel valued and supported.