Reclaiming You, Part 5: Boundaries that Stick (Even When It’s Hard)
- Barbara Elvidge
- May 20
- 6 min read
Somewhere along the way, we were taught to be helpful. To hold everything together. To smile while we do it. And if we ever dared to want more—more rest, more space, more truth, more time for ourselves—we were told we were selfish, dramatic, or ungrateful.
This blog series was born from that quiet ache so many women carry—the feeling that something's off, even if they can’t name it. It’s for the women who check every box, show up for everyone, and still go to bed wondering, “Is this all there is?”
Last week, we peeled back the layers of the mental load—the invisible weight so many women carry as they quietly manage the needs, plans, and emotions of an entire household. We talked about how it’s not just the doing that exhausts us, but the constant thinking, tracking, and anticipating. It’s no wonder we’re tired.
This week, we’re diving into something that often feels even harder: boundaries.
Not the kind you say with a smile and then quietly backtrack on or the rigid, shut-the-world-out kind. The kind that stick while still being kind and compassionate. The kind that say, “I matter too.” The kind that protect your time, your energy, your peace, your truth.
But here’s the thing about boundaries—they often come with a side of guilt. We’re so used to being the helper, the fixer, the yes-sayer, that saying “no” or “not right now” can feel like we’re letting someone down.
That’s why this quote by Glennon Doyle hits so hard:
“Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
Let that sink in.
Because we’re not here to lose ourselves. We’re here to come home to ourselves—and boundaries are one of the bravest ways we do that.
Why Boundaries Matter
You matter. You are worthy. You have value, and you are deserving of care, respect, and rest—not after you’ve done everything for everyone else, but because you’re human. Setting boundaries is how we teach others to treat us—and how we remind ourselves that our needs are valid.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. That’s not cold—it’s clarity. You can love others deeply while still recognizing that you can’t sacrifice yourself to keep everyone else comfortable.
Boundaries are a way of showing kindness and respect—to yourself and to others. They let the people in your life know where you end and they begin. They’re not about controlling others—they’re about being clear on what you are okay with and what you’re not.
When we don’t set boundaries, we don’t just overextend ourselves—we often end up feeling resentful, exhausted, or invisible. And despite what we may have been taught, people don’t value or appreciate us more when we constantly bend to their needs. More often, they simply come to expect it.
You matter. Your needs matter. And protecting your peace isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
5 Strategies for Setting Boundaries
1. Start With Self-Awareness
You can’t set a boundary if you don’t know what you need. Often, we only recognize a missing boundary once we feel resentment, exhaustion, or overwhelm. These feelings are signals—not flaws.
Pause and ask yourself:
What do I feel?
What do I need?
Where am I saying “yes” when I mean “no”?
Examples:
“I’m feeling stretched thin, and I need to build more space into my day.”
“I didn’t notice how drained I felt until recently. I’m going to start paying attention to what energizes me and what depletes me.”
“Something’s off. I feel like I’m doing everything for everyone, and I need to reclaim some time and space for myself. What’s one thing I can delegate, let go of, or say no to this week?”
Awareness is the first step toward change. You’re not selfish for noticing your limits—you’re wise.
2. Practice Small No’s First
If the word “no” feels uncomfortable, start with low-stakes situations. Boundaries are like muscles—they get stronger with use. And small no’s help build the confidence to hold the bigger ones.
Examples:
“I won’t be able to bake for the fundraiser, but I hope it goes really well!”
“I can’t chat right now, but I’ll check in later when I have more bandwidth.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m going to pass this time.”
You don’t have to start with the hardest conversations. Saying no in small ways reminds you that you’re allowed to take up space.
3. Communicate Clearly and Kindly
Boundaries don’t have to be confrontational. In fact, they work best when they’re rooted in calm clarity. Speak from your experience and keep the focus on what you need—not what someone else is doing wrong.
Examples:
“I feel overwhelmed when plans change last minute. Can we agree to confirm things the night before?”
“I’d love to help, but I can’t give it the time it deserves right now.”
“This topic feels too heavy for me right now. Let’s come back to it another time.”
Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges to better relationships. Clear communication makes it easier for people to meet you with respect.
4. Keep It Simple
You don’t need to explain your boundaries in detail or justify every decision. A short, calm “no” is enough. When you keep your words simple and firm, your message is easier to hear—and harder to argue with.
Examples:
“That doesn’t work for me right now.”
“I’m not available this weekend.”
“I need some space, but I care about you.”
You don’t owe anyone a full explanation. Protecting your peace is reason enough.
5. Create a Plan for Common Triggers
If the same situations keep draining you, plan ahead. Anticipating your needs makes it easier to hold your boundaries in the moment—especially when emotions run high.
Examples:
“Evenings are usually hectic for me, so let’s schedule a time to talk during the day.”
“I‘m feeling overwhelmed with decision fatigue. Can you do the meal planning this week?”
“We’ve had a lot of last-minute chaos lately. Can we work together to update the weekly schedule so everyone knows what’s going on?”
Planning ahead doesn’t make you rigid—it gives you breathing room. You deserve systems that support your wellbeing.
Final Thought
Think of it this way: if someone came into your home and broke things, tracked mud through your kitchen, or shouted insults at you—would you invite them back? Your heart and your mind are your inner home. You get to choose who comes in, how long they stay, and how they treat the space. If someone continues to disrespect it, it’s okay—even necessary—to close the door.
Reflection Corner
Take some time this week to explore one or more of these questions. You can write your thoughts in a journal, discuss them with a close friend or reflect on them during meditation:
Where in your life are you stretching past your limits in order to avoid disappointing others?
What’s one small boundary you could set this week that would honor your time, energy, or emotional well-being?
How would your relationships shift if you started protecting your peace like it mattered?
What messages did you receive growing up about being “a good woman” or “a good mom”? How might those messages be shaping your boundaries now?
Are there any boundaries you’ve tried to set before but found hard to maintain? What made it difficult?
What would it look like to disappoint someone else a little in order to stop disappointing yourself a lot?
What are some of your common triggers and what could you say to set or uphold a boundary to honour your own needs?
A Personal Note
This has been a big area of growth for me lately. Boundaries used to feel scary—like I was being selfish or cold. But the more I’ve leaned into them, the more I’ve seen how they create space for real connection, not just performance or people-pleasing. I’ve also written more about boundaries here:
Up Next Week: Ditching Comparison and Rewriting Your Story
Next week, we’ll talk about something so many of us struggle with—comparison. From social media highlight reels to the pressure to “do it all,” it’s easy to feel like we’re falling short. But you weren’t meant to live someone else’s story. You were meant to live yours. We’ll explore how to let go of comparisons and start rewriting your story with self-trust, compassion, and clarity.
Need More Support?
Setting and maintaining boundaries can be challenging. If you’re looking for more support, encouragement, or connection with women who get it, you’re invited to:
Join my private Facebook group, Busy Women Finding Balance. It’s a space where we talk about boundaries, mental load, mom guilt, and all the messy, beautiful things we’re unlearning together. You’ll also find my free Beyond the To-Do List goal-setting workbook in the files section of the group.
Explore more reflections and resources throughout this website.
Click here to email me to connect, ask a question or inquire about my coaching services.
You don’t have to do it all—or do it alone. Let’s walk this together.
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