Transforming My Relationship by Transforming Myself

For years, my relationship wasn’t where I wanted it to be. We had tried to improve it—marriage counseling, deep conversations, periods of progress—but we always seemed to fall back into the same patterns. I wanted more connection, more depth, and more ease between us. But nothing seemed to stick. Eventually, I stopped focusing on changing my husband and decided to work on myself. 

The Inner Work

I started reading books, listening to podcasts, meditating, and journaling. I worked on self-love, self-awareness, and self-acceptance—things that I had never realized were missing. Once I got it, it felt like a huge internal shift, one that impacted every area of my life.

I shared parts of my journey with my husband. Sometimes, he’d join me for a guided meditation, and we’d talk about our thoughts and feelings. He supported me in my personal growth, but I was still looking for a deeper connection between us. I found myself feeling stuck, frustrated, and unsure of what else to do - until I realized something that changed everything:

Transforming my relationship wasn’t about changing my husband. It was about changing myself and the way I interacted with him.

Attachment Styles: The Key to Understanding Our Patterns

One of the biggest breakthroughs came when I learned about attachment styles while listening to The Diary of a CEO podcast episode featuring Esther Perel: The 3 Attachment Styles & Why You’re Struggling With Love!

Attachment styles, formed in childhood, shape how we connect with others, especially in romantic relationships. Understanding your own and your partner’s attachment style can help you navigate conflicts and emotional needs with more clarity.

My husband and I were stuck in a common dynamic:

• I leaned toward anxious attachment—seeking reassurance, wanting deep conversations, and feeling hurt when I sensed emotional distance.

• He leaned toward avoidant attachment—valuing independence, withdrawing when overwhelmed, and feeling suffocated when I pushed for connection.

It was like a figure-eight pattern: the more I sought closeness, the more he pulled away, and the more he withdrew, the more anxious I became. Understanding this made me realize that I had the power to change our dynamic—not by changing him, but by changing how I responded to him.

There is a third attachment style - one that I wanted us to work towards:

• Secure Attachment – Feels comfortable with closeness and independence, able to communicate needs and resolve conflicts effectively.

Shifting the Cycle: How I Changed My Reactions

I made a conscious decision to stop trying to change my husband and instead focus on what I could control; what I did and how I did it and what I said and how I said it. This wasn’t about settling or accepting a relationship that didn’t serve me - it was about taking ownership of my own happiness as well as what I contributed to our marriage.

Here’s how I started responding differently:

• Instead of seeking constant reassurance, I worked on self-soothing and reminding myself that I am safe and loved, even when my husband wasn’t emotionally available in the way I wanted at that moment.

• Instead of assuming distance meant he didn’t care, I gave him space without resentment, trusting that our connection was still there, even if he needed time to himself.

• Instead of pushing for deep conversations at the wrong moments, I learned to approach him when he was receptive, making connection feel more natural and less pressured.

• Instead of waiting until things felt overwhelming and emotions ran high, I made an effort to connect on a daily basis in smaller, more meaningful ways.

• Instead of expecting connection on my timeline, I started asking if he wanted to play a board game or go for a walk or if we could plan some time together, which helped him feel more comfortable and gave me more opportunities for genuine connection.

For avoidantly attached partners like my husband, pressure often makes them withdraw further. When I created a space that felt safe and non-demanding, he was more willing to engage and connect in his own way.

The Coaching Mindset: How I Applied What I Learned to My Own Life

One of the biggest lessons from my coaching training was the power of setting goals, maintaining consistency, and putting strategies in place to increase motivation and accountability. I realized that if I wanted real change, I needed to apply these same principles to how I approached my relationship.

I started by journaling about what I wanted our relationship to look like - not just in vague terms, but in daily actions and feelings. Once I had clarity, I asked my husband to sit down with me for a conversation about our relationship.

I asked him to write down his thoughts ahead of time, reflecting on:

• Our strengths as a couple

• Areas where we could improve

• What we each brought to the relationship

• What we could each work on individually

I emphasized that honesty was key - that I wanted the truth, not just what he thought I wanted to hear. Together, we created a vision for our relationship and started making small, steady changes.

The Daily Work of Love

I knew that setting goals together was a great first step, but it wouldn’t be enough on its own. My husband hadn’t suddenly “changed,” and I couldn’t expect overnight transformation. It would take consistent effort on my part to keep him engaged in the process in a way that felt natural rather than forced. I had to find the right balance - giving him space without letting our progress fade, and fostering connection without making him feel pressured or overwhelmed.

As I worked to improve my relationship, I also reflected on several other key insights from Esther Perel that helped shape my approach. She talked about how relationships need both rituals (things that create comfort, warmth, and friendship) and novelty (new experiences, activities, and conversations that bring excitement and aliveness). Too much routine can make a relationship feel stagnant, while too much unpredictability can make it feel unstable. The key is balance.

She helped me realize that love is not just a feeling - it’s a verb. It requires effort, creativity, vulnerability, and accountability. We put so much time, effort and creativity into our jobs and other areas of our lives (kids, friends, household chores) but often take our marriages or romantic relationships for granted.

Instead of asking, "What are we fighting about?" Perel suggests asking, "What are we fighting for?" That shift in perspective changed the way I approached conflict. I stopped seeing disagreements as things to "win" or "lose" and started seeing them as opportunities to better understand each other.

Making our relationship better hasn’t been about grand gestures or overnight transformations. It’s been about the small, intentional actions that build trust, connection, and appreciation.

• When we are in the car together or going for a walk, I ask him deeper questions. Nothing too serious but something to help me learn more about him, perhaps something about his childhood, events at work or plans for the future.

• We created simple communication strategies:

  • If I feel criticized, I ask him to pause, remind himself that he loves me, and rephrase what he’s saying from a place of love.

  • If he feels I’m getting overly emotional, he asks me to pause and remind myself that he loves me and is here with me.

  • If either of us needs space, we ask for a break and set a time to come back to the conversation.

• One of the smallest but most impactful changes was inspired by Mel Robbins’ husband: I randomly touch my husband - on the hand, arm, or shoulder - and just look into his eyes for 10-20 seconds. It’s such a simple act, but it creates an instant connection and reminds us that we are in this together.  

Moving Forward, Together

We are still a work in progress, but now I feel empowered and we both have the tools to communicate with love and respect. We set relationship goals and meet weekly to check in.

My goals: 

• Continue to manage my emotions

• Truly listen when my husband shares about work, without jumping in to fix things

• Focus on my own growth, knowing that whatever happens, I am strong, whole, and capable on my own

His goals: 

• Spend less time alone in his office

• Initiate more connection and quality time together

We will always have different styles and perspectives, but as we continue to learn from each other, we’re building a deeper understanding and a stronger sense of security in our relationship.

Practical Steps to Improve Your Relationships 

If you feel like you and your partner aren’t on the same page or seem to be arguing about the same things over and over again, here are some things that may help:

1. Focus on What You Can Control

You can’t change your partner, but you can change how you show up in the relationship. This includes how you communicate, regulate your emotions, and set boundaries.

2. Shift Your Communication Style

Instead of:  “You never listen to me.” Try:  “I feel unheard sometimes, and I really want to feel more connected to you.”

Instead of:  “You always shut down when I try to talk.” Try:  “I know talking about emotions isn’t easy for you, and I appreciate you making the effort.”

These small shifts remove blame and create a safer space for conversation.

3. Understand Your Needs and Express Them Clearly

If you have an anxious attachment, practice self-soothing rather than seeking constant reassurance. If you’re avoidant, work on leaning into emotional connection instead of shutting down.

4. Regulate Your Emotions Before Conversations

If you get emotional during discussions, pause and ground yourself first. Take a breath, journal your thoughts, or go for a walk before engaging in a tough conversation.

5. Set Boundaries with Love

Boundaries aren’t ultimatums - they are acts of self-respect. If you feel like your needs aren’t being met, express them with clarity and kindness.

Instead of:  “I’m done trying to connect with you if you don’t make an effort.” Try:  “I love our relationship, and I’d really appreciate it if we could set aside some intentional time together.”

6. Let Go of the Need to Control the Outcome

A strong relationship is built on choice, not pressure. When I stopped trying to force my husband to change and instead focused on becoming the best version of myself, things started shifting naturally. My confidence grew, my self-worth strengthened, and my relationship improved as a result. When you focus on becoming the best version of yourself, your partner will either naturally be drawn to that energy - or you’ll have the clarity to recognize what is and isn’t working.

7. Find Support Outside of Your Partner

Whether it’s through friends, journaling, personal coaching, or books and podcasts, expanding your emotional support system can help relieve pressure in your relationship.

For more practical tips on communicating effectively check out my Free Resource -

Effective Communication Strategies: Attachment Styles & Crucial Conversations.

Final Thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, start with yourself. You don’t have to wait for your partner to change or agree to couples counseling. Small, intentional shifts in your own approach can create huge ripples.

• Understand your attachment style and how it plays into your relationship.

• Understand your partner’s attachment style and don’t take their differences personally.

• Focus on what you can control—your words, actions, and emotional responses.

• Balance connection with independence, safety with excitement.

• Communicate with love and curiosity instead of blame and frustration.

And most importantly, never underestimate the power of self-growth in transforming a relationship.

If you’re feeling stuck in your own relationship, I encourage you to start with yourself. Your journey matters. Let’s find your path forward—together.

Click here to connect with me for additional support.